Secular Christian Rock

1. Conforms to the characteristics of wholesome Christian guitar-pop (unflagging earnestness, understated low end, absence of the otherwise ubiquitous early ’90s "crunch," absense of anything related to black people*) without promoting Christianity or Jesus.

2. Lyrics don’t exhibit depression as such, often present half-assed second-person consolation, and sometimes invoke bastardized Eastern philosophy or morally superior political martyrs. And yet, they display a certain emptiness, as though something significant is missing.

3. Lacks the ambiguity and narcissism of R.E.M. And the hilarity of Live.

4. SCR Worldwide HQ: Santa Barbara, CA

5. No glorification of antisocial activities. (Nice try, Gin Blossoms.)

6. Acoustic versions indistinguishable.

7. Crested during Kurt Cobain’s first three years of death. Definitive document: the Friends CD. Lifeblood: "regional" bands with three-word names that mostly played student unions.

8. Not yet ripe for ironic reappraisal… but get those skits written now.

*Allowing for a dreadlock or two.