The Whitest Album That Were [Not Surprisingly] Huge Hits in 2007
Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
Iron and Wine – The Shepherd’s Dog
From Shane Gillis:
Everyone’s Top 10 Wishlist:
Wasabi flavored condoms
Co-Cola (any kind) with peanuts already added
2008 Cordoba convertible
Reversible halloween mask (Eric Idle on one side/Gene Wilder on the other)
Reversible Miss Magic Mouth (Jenna Jameson on one side/Kathy Bates on the other, for those weird druggy nights)
Trap doors beneath the feet of each presidential candidate during the debates
Mexican jumping black beans
HD Soap Channel
A time machine that would take us back to before people said "we’re pregnant." You’re not giving birth, asshole. She is.
A time machine that would take us back to before people named their kids shit like Tristain, Cody, and Tegan.
From Shane Gillis:
Top 10 Least Likely Ways To Die of Laughter:
Getting raped by a gang of sharp, rusty pecker Terminators
Watching the Soaps in HD
Having Liquid Heat fed into your catheter
Suffocating in fire ants
Listening to Larry the Plumber Guy or any of those other fuck handles
Getting tickled…unless it’s "to death"
Reformatting, converting, uploading, upgrading, restoring, fucking kill me.
Working at the fabric store
Being forced to eat cleats
From Shane Gillis:
Top 10 Comebacks:
Missionary Position (it’s been too long)
Skinny leg jeans
Dio era Sabbath
Ecstasy-induced true love
Dinner and a movie, then double dongin’ it
Top Three Comedy Albums in 2007 That Everybody Should Hear Repeatedly
Patton Oswalt – Werewolves And Lollipops [Yes, there’s a conflict of interest here, but what blog doesn’t?]
Paul F. Tompkins – Impersonal
Jonah Ray – This Is Crazy Mixed Up Plumbing
[I should also add that aspecialthing is quickly gaining momentum to being quite a formidable comedy label alongside Stand Up Records.]
From Benn Ray:
Top 10 Celebrity Arrests/Jail Sentences
1. Senator Larry Craig
Not sure why trolling for sex (gay or straight) is a crime, but since he has supported anti-gay legislation and was busted for gay sex solicitation, and then pleaded guilty and then changed his story, and then refused to step down despite pressure from his fellow Republicans, Craig is the poster boy for Republican Hypocrisy.
2. Michael Vick
NFL Quarterback for Atlanta Falcons was busted for running a dogfighting operation. Odd. Professional atheletes are usually pretty upstanding citizens.
3. Lou Perlman
Former NSYNC and Backstreet Boys was arrested on fraud charges. In Indonesia. Putting allegedly the "Backstreet" in little boys.
4. Shai LeBeouf
The Transformers star was arrested for tresspassing in a Walgreens. He refused to leave. Very strange.
5. Ryan O’Neal
Was arrested for assualt with a deadly weapon. Nice!
6. Paris Hilton
Did time for parole violation for alcohol-related reckless driving.
7. Nicole Richie
Not to be outdone by her Surreal Life costar, Nicole also served a brief jail stint – while pregnant.
8. Keifer Sutherland
Most likely as some form of karmic payback for being a part of the wingnut porn that is 24, Sutherland did a stint in prison for a DUI.
9. Lindsay Lohan
After chasing the mother of her assistant in a car, Lohan was busted for drunken driving and cocaine possession.
10. Mischa Barton
When you’re young, blonde, marginally talented, and ridiculously skinny, there’s only one thing you can do for attention when your tv show (The OC) gets cancelled, and that’s get busted for a DUI like all the other blonde, skinny, untalented chicks on this list.
Honorable Mention: Mickey Rourke was busted for a DUI. Nice try, but you’re Mickey Rourke – we expect more from you. Take a que from Ryan O’Neal.
From Benn Ray:
Top 10 Celebrity Embarrassments Of 2007
1. David Hasselhoff’s can has cheezburger. He’s just too drunk to eat it. So his daughter videotapes it. Thanks!
2. Britney Spears’ VMA appearance and very public meltdown.
3. Alec Baldwin’s phone message to his daughter mysteriously finds its way off her cell phone and out for public consumption. Not sure why everyone thought this was bad, it made me like him even more. One of his best performances. Seriously, this goes up there with Glengarry Glenross and 30 Rock.
4. Meg White’s sex tape. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that she had to cancel the White Stripes tour due to exhaustion at the same time it hit the web. While I seem to be in the minority opinion on Alec Baldwin’s phone call, I also seem to be in the minority opinion on Meg too. I like to think it is her, and I’m all too happy to watch. I also think people really need to get over the obligatory knocking of her drumming everytime they try to write a White Stripes review. So what do I know?
5 – 7. Sherri Shepherd of The View:
A. Is not sure if the world is flat, nor does she care
B. Believes that Christ was evidently the first person. Ever.
C. Complains about difficulties of publicly beating her child.
8. Everyone who participated in Live Earth.
9. The trainwreck that is the life of Amy Winehouse. More and more she looks like an Alien.
10. Tommy Lee gets bitch slapped by Kid Rock at MTVs VMA’s in an episode I like to call, "When Has-beens Can’t Hold Their Liquor."
From Ben Blackwell:
List of things I didn’t or couldn’t include on my lists for the Metro Times or Arthur:
1. The White Stripes Icky Thump
2. The Go Howl on the Haunted Beat You Ride
3. Blanche Little Amber Bottles
4. The Muldoons self-titled
5. The Art of the Band T-shirt
6. Trees Community The Christ Tree 4xCD reissue
7. Amy Winehouse Back to Black
8. Bo Diddley I’m a Man 2xCD reissue
9. Ghetto Brothers Power/Fuerza
10. Michael Yonkers Carbohydrates Hydrocarbons