100 Things I Saw at a Great White Show

Oh Saturday night! So I’m tending to household chores and about to embark on another load of laundry when my phone rang with an offer of free tickets to see the Phoenix Cardinals. Our local football team has a brand new stadium in the middle of nowhere surrounded my dirt fields. One of the first developments to come along in the area is an outdoor mall, which typically doesn’t fare as well here due to our five month summers that feature triple digit temperatures. This outdoor mall hosts a scant number of businesses, from what I can tell there’s a place that sells hot dogs and a BBQ vendor that looks so corporate that it might as well be called Accountant’s Pride BBQ. During my complimentary football game I learned that the outdoor mall would be hosting Great White…in a free concert. Like a driver slowing down to see an ankle sticking out of the blanket, I had to see it. Here’s a listing of 100 things I saw there.

Rockers or accountants?

12 kids under 18 that couldn’t determine if they were more bored than confused.

7 people in tour shits that said, “Back to the Rhythm Tour 25th Anniversary.” I wasn’t sure if this was they were commemorating the tour from 25 years ago or the illusion that Great White had rhythm.

1 guy in a Tesla t-shirt

1 guy in a Nebraska shirt that kept pulling the Nebraska portion of his shirt up around his chin as if to say, “Hey Great White, check out this awesome Nebraska t-shirt.”

1 Guy who looked like he his name would be Dorfman who looked about 20. He was crying during the set and wearing…

1 calculator watch

1 guy with White Pride tattoos who yelled at me for standing in front of his “old lady”.

22 stand alone moustaches

1 Severely drunk Indian man who asked me what the fuck I was doing there if I didn’t come to party. 

10 groupie mothers with their…

10 young groupie daughters who looked 17-going-on-1989.

1 drummer that looked like Estelle Getty from Golden Girls having a stroke.

1 guitar player that had my mom’s senior yearbook hairdo

1 guitar player that looked like he was too old to work at Starbucks, but to young to be a Wal-mart greeter.

1 bass player that looked like a computer animated image of Marky Mark after 20 years of meth abuse. He was also wearing…

1 heavily bedazzled shirt.

3 guys who single-handedly air drummed along with the drummer as he hit the closed high hat to count off the beat.

24 people who heard Once Bitten, Twice Shy and had the satisfied look of a person who learns they can just show up at a mall and not have to do their own taxes.

1 guy who noticed the irony of being doused with water by a band whose pyrotechnics killed a bunch of people, me.