Worst Song Of The Week: “The Story of Daniel”

The Big Sounds for Little Ears LP contains this brain vaporizing excursion into an improv Christian interpretation of Daniel and the Lion’s den done by a Alabaman kid, Kip, and his puppet, Archie, as well as numerous songs sung in the key of holy shit by a choir of elementary school kids. I know this is not technically a song, but it is so punishing that I wanted to see how many of you could endure this. It is obvious who hates humankind on this platter o’ wax; it’s that god damned human-handed simulacrum who can’t stop the bellicose flapping of his dummy yapper. You see, Archie is one damn inquisitive puppet, and he hounds Kip incessantly about why the bad men throw Daniel in the lion’s den. Kip’s accent is about as Northern Alabama cornbread mouth as it gets, and it is almost impossible not to stab yourself in the leg as his fumbles over the plot trajectory of the parable. I know it’s a fucking puppet, but you just can’t believe how unperturbed Kip is with that stupid little plastic bastard Archie. If you make it through this one, you have more of a will of steel than a monk who sustains his nuts being put into a pot of scalding coffee. Just think Henry had to listen to this 18 times as the cassette rolled around in our torture tape challenge for issue 19.

Anyway, for the next 7 minutes and 38 seconds prepare yourself for an audio hell not unlike Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music played with Bing Crosby’s Christmas in Kilarney spinning at the same time. Good luck. God bless your sweet soon-to-be-demolished soul.

Archie – The Story Of Daniel