I’ve been dumbly staring at that list from the last post and I think I’ve figured out what’s wrong with all these end of the year top records lists: A. There’s no honesty in advertising—the album titles don’t reflect what the bands are really about and B. The titles of these records are boring and just plain blow an elf’s nut. I thought I’d take on these two problems and rename the records with some proper ball spin. See if you can make up some of your own! Here’s what I came up with…
What these records should have been really named:
Band of Horses – Balls Deep In The Shallow End of Mediocrity
Radiohead – Who’s Dumb-Ass Idea Was It To Let People Download This Fucking Record For Free?
Animal Collective – Check It Out! We Have A Loop Pedal For Our Vocals! (or) That’s Still A Ska Hat Douche Bag
LCD Soundsystem – Yeah, No, I Can’t Talk Right Now I’m Working on A Remix For Some More Hipster-Ass Disco Bullshit That Makes A Retarded Child’s Underwear Look Like Machine Number 5 Exploded At The Mars Bar Factory
Battles – Look How High Our Crash Cymbal Is. Yeah, It’s Really High.
Deerhunter – No, Actually, That Guy Has This Weird Disease…Blah, Blah, Blah
Of Montreal –My Stupid Fucking Skinny Limped-Dicked Ass Looks Like Raggedy Andy From Raggedy Ann And Andy—Oh Yeah, We Also Have A Big-Ass Crab Hand
M.I.A. – Indian (Or Pakistani—I Often Can’t Tell) People Sometimes Smell Dirty
The National –Sonic Sleeping Pill For Paste Magazine Faggots To Fall Asleep To
Dirty Projectors –Sound Scan Zero
Record titles that would have made me actually listen to these records:
Band of Horses – Battle Of Beef Curtain Hill
Radiohead – My Other Car Is A “Your Mamma’s So Fat” Joke
Animal Collective – At Least People Who Do Lynchings Know How To Tie Good Knots
LCD Soundsystem – Chuff Biscuit II
Battles – My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma. Hah, That’s So Meta. No, Look, Actually I Did Accidentally Run Over Your Dog. I Think He May Be Dead.
Deerhunter – Gary Glitter vs. Your Child
Of Montreal – Ugly Girls Do It Alone
M.I.A. – I’d Rather Be Fishing With A Class 3 Wizard Who Can Make Minnows Taste Like The Frisco Burger From Hardee’s
The National – Big Whiff From Fluffy Palace
Dirty Projectors – Getting Raped By Someone Who Is Holding The Swedish Chef Puppet From Jim Henson’s Muppets Really Sucks