I’ve spent 7 goddamn days listening to this yammering twit talk about how offended she was by a stupid joke told by David Letterman. I’ve always liked Dave. Why? He just doesn’t give a fuck. He does what he wants (i.e.- hey, my friend Warren Zevon is going to die, here’s the entire hour of my show). Ratings be damned, Leno can have ‘em. But Dave told a joke and Sarah Palin got all martyr on him faster than Dennis Miller can lose a job. Never mind that SNL told an incest joke about the Palin clan. Never mind that Mr. vanilla himself, Jay Leno, told a joke with the same basic punch-line. And let’s TOTALLY FORGET that her running mate John McCain told an “offensive” joke about a younger 13-year old girl (Chelsea Clinton) in his past. Apparently there is a statute of limitations on jokes about innocent young children of politicians if you’re a member of the GOP. That fact that McCain called his wife “a cunt” is just pure chuckle bonus material.
So, in an effort to give ole’ Sarah a chance to feel truly offended and “victimized” I’ve written, re-written, and amassed a collection of twenty joke that far out stink anything ever told on network TV. I’m not trying to be a comic genius here (obliviously). I’m trying to give Sarah Palin exactly what she wants – a big ol’ pity party and an opportunity at lazy sanctimony. Feel free to join in, or tell me how much I suck.
Oh and Sarah, please, please, pleases, win the GOP nomination in 2012.
What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and 9/11?
9/11 was successful.
Why has Sarah Palin crapped out so many kids?
It takes a lot of people to run a profitable meth lab.
What’s worse than terminal penis cancer?
Being Todd Palin.
Why do the Palin kids have so many stupid names?
Because their parents are brother and sister.
How does Bristol piss off her mom?
She fucks a douche bag named Levi.
How does Bristol piss off her dad?
She orders Levi not to pull out.
Why did the Palins choose the name Trig?
Because Corkey had too much elitist Hollywood baggage.
What’s the first thing Sarah does when she gets back from a GOP fundraiser?
The fucking laundry if she knows what’s good for her.
What’s 18 inches long and makes Sarah scream at night?
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
David Spade can’t jelly his cock down Bristol’s throat.
Why couldn’t McCain & Palin pull away during 2008 election?
They hit a bit of a down syndrome.
What would have been the one simple answer to the whole Bristol Palin mess?
What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s vagina and her mouth?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
How can you tell when the Palin family is in town?
The Wal-Marts are empty and the bait shops are closed.
What did Bristol scream at Levi in the back of his Ford F-250 (with truck nuts)?
“Drill Baby Drill!”
Why was Palin so mad at Letterman for that A-Rod joke?
Because she would never allow Willow to “date a filthy Dominican!”
Sarah Palin and Todd jump off the top of Mount McKinley at the same time. Which one hits the ground first?
Who gives a fuck?
What do the state of Arizona and Sarah Palin’s vagina have in common?
They both offer donkey rides to the bottoms of their grand canyons.
How can you tell the difference between Octo-Mom and Sarah Palin?
One is a publicity grubbing whore who will pimp out her kids to achieve her own goals at any cost. The other kinda looks likes Angelia Jolie.
Why did Sarah Plain attend five colleges?
The first four didn’t offer degrees in Advanced Fuck-tardness.
Do you know why Sarah Palin shoots wolves from a helicopter?
Because she’s a stupid fucking cunt, that’s why.