We can’t get Chunklet in outer space.  It stinks, but we’re trying to.
-Birdstuff

On the final days of May, Chicago rock sensation Tar came to town for two purposes and two purposes only – one, to play with Man…or Astroman?, and two, to eat as much Southern BBQ as they could muster.  The BBQ is an entirely separate story,  but they wanted to finally meet their Alabaman brethren.  Fortunately for the Chunklet legion, the two met for a brief tete-a-tete, interview type thing.  Although the meeting was funny and all, I felt that a direct transcript would have been, shall we say, incomprehensible? So what I’ve done is split the interview into four sections.  In the first, Man or Astroman? (all in bold) is poked and prodded the white boys from Chicago, Tar (in plain text).  The second part is just the reverse.  The third and fourth parts cover miscellaneous topics that wouldn’t have fit under the other two headings.  So with that said, enjoy this interview conducted backstage at the 40 Watt on May 29 before both bands were to play to a crowd of about 200 young, nubile teenagers.

I.  TAR VS. MAN OR ASTROMAN?

Shows and Dogs
John Mohr: In outer space or wherever the hell you’re from, how many shows have you played?
Bird Stuff: All together, in human numbers, I’d….on this planet, or other planets included?
JM: The whole shootin’ match…whatever…
BS: (confrencing with Star Crunch)  The whole shootin’ match, I’d say…
Star Crunch: Twelve.
BS: Yeah, twelve to 736,000…something right at there.
SC: Or maybe about 200.
BS: Yeah, on Earth we’ve played about 200 shows
Heimlich the Bastard: Is that in human years?
SC: That’s in dog years.
BS: We wanna play for dogs.  Heimlich, you gotta set us up in Athens to play for a roomful of dogs.
JM: Like a dog show.
BS: So that they can hear the ultra-hi-frequency vocals that are going around all the time.
SC: We had a dog go crazy for us in France!
BS: Yeah, we had a dog who really dug us in Toulouse and CoCo put a shirt on the dog.

Mello Yello Story
BS: (to Star Crunch) Don’t you tell them the Mello Yello story!
SC: He drank his own piss!!
HTB: Yes!!!
BS: I just said don’t tell the story!
JM: Did you miss the word “don’t”?
SC: Uh, I didn’t hear that….sorry…
BS: That was a good experience.
JM: I think there’s nothing wrong with that in the 90’s, in these recycling times.  It’s what? 99 percent water?
MG: I wonder what Coke’s reaction was?
JM: Did CoCo get a sample of that?
BS: CoCo fills up jars and jars and jars…
SC: Gimme another jar!
BS: Yeah, he’ll be right in the middle and need another jar.
SC: It’s gotten bad to where you’ll just be in the van talking to him and you’re like ‘What?!? Are you peeing?!’
BS: It’s real bad.  I made the mistake, I always…
JM: Why didn’t we do that?! Didn’t someone…
MG: No one’s done that, but you’re sitting shotgun seat in the van and John’s driving and you say ‘What’re you doing?’ (gesture of urinating in a cup while driving)
JM: I think it was a cup.
BS: Not that it’s a big quasi perceptual thing, but I made a pact a long time ago to never pee into one of those clear liquid kinda drinks like Sprite or Mello Yello and I did this one day…
SC: And you let it sit in the van…
BS: And it got cold, and…
SC: (yells) Oh, no!!!!
BS: And the saddest thing about it was that honest to God, it tasted way better than I thought pee would.  I haven’t had it since…
JM: That’s what I call a bit too much perspective.
BS: Yeah, I think so, but you got to do it sometimes.

Duct tape and ‘Froggy’
(Reader’s Note: Mike Greenlees, drummer extrordinaire, was suffering from intense hay fever during the interview.  As hay fever is wont to do, Mike was congested, making his voice deep and gravelly like..oh, you’ll find out)
MG: How well does duct tape work on different planets? Is it a universal thing?
BS: I think we’ve actually given it away in about five fanzines.
JM: Is it sort of an intergalactic term?
BS: It is money in several places, but it’s also the whole answer to the universe.  In fact, the whole universe is held together cosmically with duct tape.
MG: (in a particularly raspy voice) I like the positioning of the duct tape all over CoCo’s ass.
JM: Ladies and gentlemen, Henry Rollins.
MG: (going off on a ‘Hank’ tangent) “Listen you piece of shit!!!” “Why don’t you have any self respect?” “You god damned little bastard!” Can I have your phone number?……Henry Rollins, ladies and gentlemen…
BS: Mike’s been learning about duct tape playing my drum set.  He’s got the goo oozing all over!
MG: Please call me ‘Froggy.’

Instrumental queries
JM: So can we expect some lyrics then?
BS: Yeah, we always have lyrics.  We usually have kinda death metal lyrics.
SC: Until they get censored out.
BS: Our music is like way wimpy, but our lyrics are pretty intense stuff.  But Star Crunch just recently got outta the occult.  We let him out.  He had a Ouija board.
SC: I’d sit in my room all day.
JM: Couldn’t get nothin’ done.
BS: Hours on end, it was crazy…
SC: (speaking to the Ouija board) ‘No! No! No!’
JM: ‘Can I leave the room?’ No!’
CC: No!
JM: The phone rings… ‘No!’

Astro Beginnings
JM: Did you guys all know each other before you started putting out records?
BS: We still don’t.  I’m still meeting them.  We’re all growing and meeting each other.
SC: We were connected at the big toe at birth…no lie!
BS: Star Crunch and I were, that is.

Velcro
JM: Is there Velcro where you come from?
SC: Yeah! Of course!
BS: I couldn’t tie my shoes until I was 15.  My Mom had to do it.
JM: I heard it’s that inbred thing.  Like where you guys are from there’s six names in the phone book and each name is 200 pages long.
BS: True, but it’s like Wales.
SC: Making fun of our homeland?!
JM: No, no…
SC: I’m a little PO’ed.
BS: Those Tar guys are like a foot taller than all of us.  So we better be cool.  Plus they’ve got those unholy instruments of death.  Aluminum!

Birdstuff and Canadian Customs
JM: Have you guys gone into Canada with the full blown touring thing?
BS: I went with another band, but this guy at Canadian customs was touching my butt.  That was the most exciting thing.
JM: But that’s not bad…because that don’t cost nuthin’!
BS: Yeah, that’s true!’ You gotta get what you can take and when you can take it you gotta get it.
JM: I just see customs opening up your trailer and really liking what they see.  “Eight televisions, huh? And what’s this orange thing?”
BS: See, that’s when they get the gasses.  That’s the end of it.
CC: “Don’t touch that!!” I’m warning you!!” Nooooooo!!!”
JM: They turn to pillars of salt…

CoCo’s Warts
JM: What’s in CoCo’s warts?
BS: Well, y’see, he had an eleven o’clock class last quarter and that’s the only time he could go get ’em burned off.  And I’ve been telling him for two quarters that I’ll go take him to get them burned off.  They use a laser and you can’t go swimming for a week.
SC: It’s when he starts chewing on them!
JM: Ha!

Astroboys and Vinyl
JM: So where you guys are from, they really have records?
BS: Yeah, most places you eat ’em, but if you want to listen to ’em you can.  Star Crunch looks like he’s going to eat one of those Chunklet stickers.  Eat it!!!
SC: It’s pretty good.  I really don’t have to eat it right now.
BS: We’ll do that later.

II.  MAN OR ASTROMAN? VS. TAR

Barry, Les, Dean and Altoids
Bird Stuff: So tell me John…about this whole celebrity trilogy, I was talking to Mike about it.  The ‘Barry White,’ ‘Dean Martin’ thing (Tar has three songs named ‘Barry White,’ ‘Dean Martin,’ and ‘Les Paul’ – otherwise known as the ‘celebrity trilogy’).
John Mohr: Les Paul?
BS: Yeah, what’s up?
JM: Well, in a parallel universe, and certainly you can understand this, those guys hang out.  And they let us write songs about them.
BS: Barry White hangs out with Dean?!
JM: Right.  And they hang out with Les Paul who tries to school them in the music.
BS: I see, I see.
JM: And every once in a while they fill us in and we get to write a song.
BS: Pretty good, but the guitar’s just too damn heavy for Barry, man, he can’t deal.  So are you guys like really into Altoids? What’s the story on that one? (Tar has a song titled ‘Altoids, Anyone?’)
JM: It’s a…
BS: So what do you say there? What’s that first line?
JM: ‘Dipped in.’
BS:’ Dipped in?’ That’s what I thought you said.
JM: You dip.  You dip into the tin.  In my own tin.  That’s my tin.
SC: Makes sense.
BS: Pretty good, what do you say in that one song? (in a raspy Tar-like voice) “I’m comin’ home!” (lyric from ‘Mach Song’)
JM: Oh, that’s that Motley Crue song.
Mike Greenlees: ‘Home Sweet Home’
BS: Yeah, ‘Home Sweet Home,’ where you do that little piano intro there.
JM: Uh, yeah, I know the song.  I just can’t pick the lyrics out.
MG: ‘All the power, all the glory, all the coffee, it’s coming home.’
BS: Ahhhh,  cool.
JM: Yeah, it’s coming home.  Like Mama, Daddy, it’s coming home.  Like a car ride through the window.
BS: But I don’t know…..Dipped in, right on! (everybody laughs)

Tar Astronames and How Tar Boys Met
JM: Can we have space names?
BS: Yeah, we’ll hook you up.
SC: Yeah, we can give you space names.
JM: I want to be like License Palakto.
BS: OK, somebody can be Alpha Scrampli, and we’ll have Fruitboy.
Tom Zaluckyj: I’ll be Alpha Scrampli!
JM: I got a fruit bowl at home.
BS: So tell me Fruitboy, how did ya’ll meet?
JM: I met Green Man (referring to Mike).
BS: No, he’s Alpha Scrampli.
MG: Thank you.
JM: He’s not Alpha-esque.
BS: Ohhhh, skin man, drum man….yeah.
JM: Greenskin.  I met Greenskin years ago when I was completing my binary education.
BS: That’s right. And you were a punk rocker too, weren’t you, Fruitboy?
JM: Yes, and then we got Dr. Tootfire (referring to Mark Zablocki/Tar guy)…
SC: That’s pretty good! They all get the best names!
JM: Then Alpha Scrampli hopped on board.
BS: So ya’ll did it up?
MG: What am I? Fruitbat or something?
JM: You’re Greenskin.

Tar and the Jesus Lizard
BS: (To John/Fruitboy) So let’s hear about David Yow biting your finger off…That was a good story.  Tell the Chunklet masses.
JM: We were playing with the Jesus Lizard and I thought it’d be really great to be up front and flip David Yow off.  So I did and he was drunk out of his mind and didn’t notice that the finger was attached to his good friend, Fruitboy.  He tried to bite my finger off.  I had to bring him back to reality.
MG: One time I got to be a post while Yow balanced himself on my head for an entire song.
TZ: We played here at the 40 Watt once with the Lizard and Yow was (pointing to where the beer cooler was) standing right over there with a suit jacket on, smokin’ a cig with his genitals just hanging out like nothin’s going on.
JM: The man is a genius.

Mike ‘Greenskin’ Greenlees and Birdstuff’s Drum Kit
BS: (to Mike Tar) So Greenskin, how does it feel to play with a Man or Astroman? drum head on your drums up there? That’s got to be a cool feeling.
MG: It’s the only time I’ve ever played well.
JM: Doesn’t Shadowy Don (from Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet) have a coffee man on his kick drum?
BS: Yeah.
JM: That’s very nice.
MG: If I had that drumhead, I wouldn’t be playing in this chicken shit outfit.
JM: I think Mr. Greenskin will be using his shoe skins on the way home!
MG: Mr. Potato Skins!! I’ll kick your ass!
BS: Greenskin got excited when he saw my snare stand….high quality!
JM: Yeah, we’re all fans of papier mache.
BS: Precision hardware.  Greenskin’s used to the cheap stuff, I’m used to the good stuff.  It’s tough for him, but he’s getting there.
MG: You’ve two crash cymbals, neither of which are cracked which is more than I can say for myself.

Tar’s Cultural Ineptitude
BS: John, we gotta ask you one thing that’s an ongoing spectacle with us recently.  The little crowns in people’s cars, have you seen those? We want to know, because we’re thinkin’ of getting one and we don’t know if it’s a good decision or not.  You haven’t seen those crowns on people’s dashboards?
JM: No.
HTB: You’ve never seen those? The Regal Select crowns.
MG: All we’ve seen are the pine trees.
JM: What we’ve got is the mud flap chrome lady.  It’s like 4 years old.  It was an air freshener, now it’s more of an ornament.  It doesn’t really freshen anything.
BS: Did you know you can use a belt buckle as an ID?
JM: Is that so?
BS: All you need to do is put your name on it.
JM: I’d, of course, get one that says “DICK”.
BS: Yeah, or Fruitboy.

Tar’s Opening Slot at the 40 Watt
BS: So how come ya’ll are opening up for such a stupid, untalented band?
JM: Oh, we’ve opened up for stupider bands.
SC: That’s where we were fishing for a compliment.

III.  ERRATA

Tar, the Astroboys, Their Booking Agent and Respective Record Labels.
BS: Did we send you one of those Galactic Fruit Meteors for Christmas?
JM: I don’t think so.
BS: It was too sad, we should’ve sent you one.  Boche (Billions, Tar and MoA?’s mutual booking agent and all around soft and big guy) got one, but…
JM: He ate it!
BS: But we had to kiss his butt for awhile.
JM: Yeah, that’s a lot of real estate…when we share the same booking agent there’s plenty to go around. (Waiting for a laugh)  BOOM!!!
TZ: We have to call him tonight, and tell him how fat he is.
JM: And how worthless he is.
MG: Did you know Boche can change shape? He can turn into a big ball…
BS: He’s like the guy at the end of Weird Science.
JM: Yeah, sort of like a big fat lump.  He’ll become a big fat beach ball.
BS: Man, you guys aren’t touring for a while, but we’re about to get dropped if he sees this Chunklet thing.
JM: You’d be surprised of the things in his ass.  Like a radiator.  Once we pulled a bumper out and he was rechroming it….in his ass!!!!
BS: And it just happened to be the same time you were having problems with the van.
JM: No, it’s not related.  So if you guys make it big like Soul Asylum, we saw this video today, and they had Norm from Cheers pushing the car in the video.
BS: No way!
JM: That was Boche.
MG: (Leaves the room to get a beer)  That could be Boche in a video.
JM: (Estrus Records founder, Dave) Crider’s a big guy as well.
BS: Yeah, actually he’s lost a bunch of weight.  He looks like Weird Al Yankovic now.
JM: What? He’s down to three?
BS: Now were dropped off our label and our booking agent.  So this is great.  Actually, like three weeds ago, we were driving out and CoCo was manning the helm and the brakes just went out.  We thought There’s no brakes!!!!! And we thought it was going to continue.
JM: You were like “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here’s the jar.”

Astro Bout With Sanitation and David Yow’s Pants
JM: Can you guys send us all CoCo suits for Christmas or something?
SC: We’re trying to find another CoCo suit!
JM: Just for CoCo….(laughs)
SC: You can have it when we replace it because it does not have a place in the van anymore.
MG: It can walk off by itself.
JM: Do you tie it to the luggage rack?
BS: Yeah, we tie it to the ladder.
JM: Have you ever heard the story about David Yow’s pants tied to the luggage rack? We heard the Jesus Lizard’s David Yow….What? Did he wet ’em? Or did he dump in ’em?
MG: He dumped ’em.
JM: He dumped ’em when he was in Scratch Acid.
MG: Touring with Killdozer.
JM: And so he didn’t want to throw ’em out so he tied them to the luggage rack up top.  And they passed another band who also had a pair of pants tied to their luggage rack.
BS: Ohhhhh, man!!!
MG: And that person had also shat ’em.  What are the odds that two bands go to a gig together, and someone in each band….
JM: Had dumped ’em.
BS: That’s crazy!
JM: That’s synchronicity.
MG: That is punk rock.

IV.  Chunklet, Astromen? and Tar Boys

Chunklet’s Beginnings
BS: Henry? So Henry, how long you been doin’ Chunklet?
HTB: Uh, just about since last Fall.
JM: (being the interview hog) We’re very proud of you.  Now anyways…(all laugh)

Chunklet Politics
JM: What is the Chunklet stance on tit clamps?
HTB: (long pause)  Uh….on guys?
JM: On you!
HTB: Uh, oooooh….
BS: We’re waiting for earplugs.
HTB: Yeah, tit clamps and earplugs are pretty much on the same level.

Henry and His Astroname
HTB: (to Tar) So why are ya’ll down here?
JM: Because of you, Henry.
SC: It’s all about Henry.
BS: Because of BBQ Chicken. Henry doesn’t have a space name.  Henry can be the Boo-Yaa Boy.
SC: Henry came to our first Athens show.
HTB: Yeah, and I nagged you…
SC: Yeah, I remember.
BS: The very first time we did an interview with the Boo Yaa Boy, we were at the International House of Pancakes for seven hours, and then we had to wash dishes.

I think the thing I will remember most about the weekend with Tar is walking through the terminal at Altanta/Hartsfield and John looking over to me and saying “I think this could be the singular greatest rock experience we’ve ever had.” Wow! Obviously, the BBQ made those boys happy as little kids.  Their Astro encounter was unforgettable, and I’d like to think that Chunklet made their stay as spectacular as possible!