Hey Aughts, get fucked! And other Billy thoughts on the time we’ve had.

I am forgoing the usual list of “Stuff I liked this year thing”. For one, having done it for two decades, I’m sick of it. Two, who cares? I bought a ton of records, some were great, some were good, and some were neither. Three, this being the end of a decade, I thought I’d widen it out a bit and just purge some of what need be purged. And yes, I’m going to curse a lot. Sorry. (I know it’s trite, deal) 

Kris Kristofferson released his 2nd great record in a row this year. He’s 73, could kick the shit out of every “brutal/noise/metal head” in the house, then fuck his woman while said dude is lying on the floor crying and bleeding. Also there is apparently a huge “country music” star named Taylor Swift. This is her guitar player. Kris needs to slit his throat with a broken Miller bottle.

Number of emails I received from Henry this year that read “Ha!Ha!”: 31

I had a deluxe, all expenses paid, free ride, top notch accommodations set-up from at least 3 different sources for SXSW this year but didn’t go because my back hurts too much. It’s a wonderful life.

My burning hatred of all things Dennis Miller did not subside. He “guest hosted” a WWE Wrasslin’ show & even with the help of thee most die-hard Pro Wrestling geeks in the world (so die-hard they hate the WWE maybe more than I hate DM?) I could not find a promo poster/photo of said event. I was sad.

I hope Joe Lieberman knocks up a cheating Sara Palin, and then Todd runs over him in a snowmobile while on a crazed, broken-hearted meth binge. (or an over-joyment meth binge, either way is cool with me.)

Turning 40 was just so awesome! Thank God, statically speaking, it’s half over.

 Call this a pet peeve, but for the unholy love of Varg Vikernes: the plural of vinyl is VINYL. Like “sheep” or “moose”. This is fact. No matter what the movie “Empire Records” taught you. “Vinyls” is not a fucking word!

Tony Brummel of Victory Records needs to come out of the closet. It’s okay man, it’s a new time, and you’ll be fine. I mean ALL those bands will still hopelessly suck, but you will be in a better mental place dude. ((((Here’s a web-hug))))

Put a sock in it pal.

I will sometime 2010 declare an OFFICIAL END to the "Cool Wars" – the "Guess What I Have & You Don’t / I Was There, Man!" Contest. No one gives a rotting corpse fuck, Okay? Just move it along. This may or may not include a signing ceremony that shall include myself (as notary) – Vincent Gallo, Thom Yorke, Jello Biafra, Wes Anderson, Courtney Love, Devendra Banhart, Jenny Lenz, Jack Rabid, & Thurston Moore.

Relapse Records needs to fire their art department immediately. Unless the plan is for 15-year-old boys to think they are buying a Jason Bourne video game?

All the way back in 2000 a movie titled “You Can Count On Me” was released. It wasn’t hip or cool or a tour de force or indie-chic or quirky or irreverent, etc, etc, but it was my favorite movie of the decade. It was simple and true. NOTE: I said “favorite” not “best”, for that is immeasurable.

Michael Jackson died, so that happened.

In a cool city or happenin’ neighborhood? Okay, now go to your favorite watering hole on a nice crowed night. Have a drink or two. Now look to your left. Now look to your right. 50% of the guys you just saw have become “soul DJ’s” who “dig spinning rare 45’s”. Punch them.

Got to see the New Bomb Turks unleash their entire debut album: “Destroy, Oh Boy!” at a special birthday show. More proof that most new rock bands should just quit.

I love not getting mail. (envelope form)

Finally, after 20 years in “the biz” I got to put out a record by John Brannon & his band Easy Action. (Detroit, MI.). For all the yungin’s – JB invented what is known as “hardcore punk rock” in 1981. You can do your own googling.

Facebook is fucking stupid. How long until the Friendster renaissance? (I often participate in the fucking stupid. Ask anybody.)

I had an approximately nine-year old boy at a wedding I was attending ask me to help him “make his hair looked messed up & cool”. After giving the lil’ tike a head ruffle, he said, “Thank you. Hey you look like Jesus, bye!” Then ran off, I guess for cake?

Band of the decade: NEU! – Now I know what you’re thinking – How can a German band from the early 1970’s be the “band of the decade?” Well, NEU! was without a doubt the most aped, ripped off, imitated, copied, mimicked, impersonated & emulated band of the 2000’s. Never have I heard so many bands trying to pull the wool over so many ears as this decade demonstrated with NEU! Hell, even Jeff Tweedy tried to shoehorn some NEU! into friggin’ Wilco for cryin’ out loud?

Just as the Velvets did in the 70’s & 80’s, birthing the Feelies to the J&M Chain, and Black Sabbath did in the 90’s, producing everything from Kyuss to Sleep, NEU! brought forth a tidal wave of bands trying to get “that sound” down. Too bad very few of them were as good as the previous cycle’s results. (Nick Cave gets a close second. That grizzled old bastard went on a creative tear)

Record Label Of The Decade: Southern Lord. Even though plenty of their roster just ain’t my bag. I’m speaking from an operational POV. (love me some Boris, Earth, *Sunn & Weedeater tho!) Starting in late ’98-99, the folks there consistently release the best polyvinyl product one could lay eyes on. And they do so with great care, attention to detail, and all for a very, very, reasonable price. They “get it”. From Greg, Stephen, Eddie and the whole crew – these people W-O-R-K their asses off. An indie label grew & grew for an entire decade, all while producing very non-commercial music. There’s the proof for your pudding right there. Hydra Head can blow me. (It’s a limited edition of only 29 copies, in 14 different colors, pre-order now! Even though they’re “all gone”. Riiiiiight.) But you’ll get a download card for 56 Coalesce B-sides!
*The closing song on SUNN’s “Monoliths & Dimensions” entitled “Alice” was the most astonishing piece of music I heard in 2009.

The Two-headed Beast of the Decade: The MP3. Yes, I download a lot of stuff. For example the stuff Henry and I (by far mostly Henry) post on this very site. But I confine my DLing to what it should be: oddball, unreleased, live, hopelessly out of print, demos, and the otherwise unattainable. In that aspect the MP3 is a priceless treasure. But if you went to some blog-spot or torrent site and downloaded a lousy bit rate version of the last Torche album (for example), you can fuck right off. You have nothing. And deserve it. And don’t give me that tired line of “but I live in a tiny, squalled, town with no cool place to get stuff”. If you have computer for stealing it, it’s easier than ever to mail order anything over the web. Like I’ve said before, I can’t wait until some 16 year-old Russian kid invents the super virus the erases every MP3 library in the world. Then what will you have? Jack fucking squat that’s what. I’ll have my LP, my CD, my 7” – for they are objects. But you? You and your precious download just screwed everybody from the musicians themselves, to the graphic designers, to the engineers, to the pressing plant workers, to even the poor slobs that stick the damn things in a box and tape it up. Not to mention, ya know the fucking stores that kill themselves trying to remain a part of the culture. MUSIC IS TANGIBLE. I can hold a record in my hand, place it in your hand, and keep it on my shelf. You, you Internet only asshats, can – right click, save as, fuck off.

Lastly, and I don’t care how “get over it” this is: I’d like to thank George W. Bush for personally fucking up the entire decade because he’s a simpleton, fake cowboy, blue-blood, Connecticut born, male cheerleader, government-fraternity legacy who took the bait and screwed the pooch for everybody. For the lousy price of 19 planes tickets, dumb-fuck stuck the rest of us with a mountain of shit to dig out of. This is what happens when you want the Prez to be “just like *you”. Ya’ know…stupid. (*you meaning those other people, not you, you’re a-okay!).

Oh…and Mark Lanegan really should sing on just about all records.

Okay, gotta go, try & catch the train. Feel free to spit or swallow in the comment section of course.