Exuent: Billy 101

The Preamble: Today is my birthday; who cares. I have written for this website/magazine/book-maker pretty consistently and for several years now but as George Harrison once said, “Why do I get all the third-rung pussy?” Wait, wrong quote. I was thinking of the “All things must pass” one, whoops. But I feel the time is right to be on my way. I do hope that I won’t be placed in the “many that have come and gone” category that was once proffered to me. When writing for Chunklet the goal was to not use the pronoun “I” too often or at all if possible. Seriously, who cares about me? I tried to write about things that got you, the reader, involved in the fun. I mean I got some guy in Ireland his own damn Anal Cunt song for crying out loud! Ranting, bitching, praising, exploring, that was my bag. But as my likely last hurrah I thought it only right to make this one all about me, all about “I”. So here is a list of 101 totally random, off-the-cuff, things about yours truly. You may take them, read them, and forget them instantly. You may ask questions, (I’ll pop in and answer the best I can, really) bust my balls, take real ugly personal shots, relate a comparable thing in your life, offer words of wisdom, tell where I went wrong, tell me where I went right, or make a completely non sequitur type comment if you wish. If you take the time to do anything, funny is always best. I always liked the funny; wrapped in sycophantic lavish praise it’s really the best! To ALL the great regulars…and you know who you are, you’re aces. I’ve even managed to make a few semi-friends here. Thanks Chunklet, you were a gentle & tender lover. (even tho it seems somebody out there has the key to your spam locker, had no choice but to delete entire post after 100 hits? Sorry gang!)

1. I have been 5′ 11” and 165lbs. since 1987
2. I was expelled from High School
3. I graduated Summa Cum Laude w/ honors from college with a degree in Anthropology
4. I have broken my left arm, my left ring finger, and my nose, twice.
5. I have been in jail on a few occasions
6. I have not had any drugs in 20 years
7. I have not had any booze in 10 years
8. I will never get married (what is this, the 1700s?)
9. I will never have any kids
10. I don’t do Facebook
11. I don’t do Twitter
12. I don’t do FriendFeed
13. I don’t do Flickr
14. I don’t do LinkedIn
15. I don’t do
16. I don’t do Digg
17. I don’t do MySpace
18. I don’t do Delicious
19. I don’t do BlogSpot
20. I don’t do Orkut (hey, it was in the top 10 thingees?)
21. I don’t have a YouTube account
22. I am a Liberal
23. I am a huge Liberal
24. I use that term with pride
25. I read over a dozens news columnist a week
26. I once had a cop knock me over with his car as I was running from him
27. I hate bullies more than anything in the world
28. I like my food spicier than many humans can consume
29. I will not eat cheap ice cream (if/when I eat ice cream)
30. I lost both parents before 30
31. I have had 2 jobs in the last 20+ years, one lasted 10 months.
32. I am mildly to moderately dyslexic
33. I write voraciously
34. I have never been to church a day in my life
35. I have been some places, done some things and known some people
36. I own a nice home, live pretty well and never made over 30K in a year
37. I have never owed an iPod
38. I have an awesomely great credit score
39. I had a father who retired at 50 to be a full time sports gambler
40. I firmly believe in the golden rule
41. I do not play video games
42. I was kicked out of a poker tourney for mentioning that 9/11 was actually successful
43. I have never to this point let money be my motivation for anything I’ve done
44. I will often wear the same pair of pants for a week straight
45. I do not drink sugar (sans 100% fruit juice)
46. I love it when the bull kills the bullfighter
47. I have seen the movie “Jaws” beginning to end nearly 100 times
48. I thrive on confrontation
49. I absolutely cannot stand having food on my hands
50. I have not slept for more than 5 hours straight in a decade
51. I am very clean but a total slob
52. I will not eat frozen pizza
53. I have never, ever, seen a single episode of “Law and Order”
54. I have always lived in the same state
55. I think winter is fucking awesome
56. I have kept an MDC pin on the visor of every car I have ever owned
57. I was shot in the eye with a BB at age 14 & it is still lodged in my sinus base
58. I have never been to a strip club
59. I have a friend Steve who showed me the awesome of “zapping the pram”
60. I can’t stand cigarette smoke
61. I refuse to attend any type of “music festival” – 4 band limit for me
62. I would smash one of those Westboro fucks right in the face & gladly do the time
63. I fully delight in massive over-tipping in restaurants
64. I think all types of narcotics should be in vending machines
65. I fully and totally 100% believe that love trumps blood by a mile
66. I think “Richard Pryor: Live In Concert” (1979) is the greatest performance on film
67. I drink coffee, black, and always have
68. I know that all I ever wanted to be was Lowell Bergman
69. I once blew a .36 during a breathalyzer, yes a .36
70. I average about 2.5 haircuts a year since I quit caring
71. I think the Pope should be in fucking prison
72. I always leave my car running when filling the gas tank
73. I refuse to go to the movies because people can’t shut the hell up
74. I completely support assisted suicide
75. I own a riding mower but pay the neighbor kids do it because they’re good kids
76. I grew up in Cincinnati during the 1970s, hence sports-wise I love baseball ONLY
77. I don’t mind puking at all, in fact I somewhat enjoy it
78. I have been to Nuevo Laredo, per capita one the most dangerous cities in the world
79. I don’t use coupons, I even once paid the discrepancy on a lady’s to move her ass along
80. I always try to get the emergency exit seat on the airplane
81. I once sold my socks to an anonymous guy who used to call a place I worked ($20)
82. I never got a big kick out of fireworks displays, still don’t
83. I sometimes have a full-on raging beard (pre-beardo trend) sometimes I don’t
84. I have no tatts, but ironically are friends with some of the best artist out there
85. I was suspended from High School for a day due to wearing a Circle Jerks T-shirt
86. I still have my tonsils and my appendix
87. I have never owned a gun of any type
88. I absolutely insist a good water pressure and will take measures to assure it
89. I can play the guitar but have no ability to play the drums whatsoever
90. I once banged this broad right on the ground in a parking lot between cars
91. I have voted in every major election since I turned 18
92. I have one friend who is a great mechanic & one a great plumber=GOLD.
93. I have never, ever, made, attempted to make, or needed a resume
94. I can’t draw worth a shit, never could
95. I have never been to Europe…yet
96. I am not a morning person
97. I give to charity on a fairly regular basis
98. I am awesome at parallel parking; could put a RV in a soup can
99. I have never purchased a lottery ticket in my life
100. I know that sooner or later it’s everybody to his or her own life
101. I love Rock & Roll