An Open Letter to CBS, Warner Bros., Chuck Lorre and the Producers of Two and A Half Men

Dear CBS, et al.,
     I’m so sorry to read about your trials and tribulations with Charlie Sheen of late. I just heard the show has been canceled for the entire season. This news surely devastated many a die-hard fan. And earlier this week, your studio decided to completely sever it’s ties with the actor, a move that was not exactly shocking given the surreal tug-of-war battle that’s occurred.
     It’s no secret Mr. Sheen has been acting a little odd lately. Then again, he’s always been a little out there. I guess fame has a way of doing that to some people.
     Your studio’s plight reminds me of the story in a movie–I cannot remember which film–when a truck gets stuck underneath an overpass. A myriad of people are called to the scene to formulate how best to remove the truck. While everyone is attempting to surmise the answer, a little kid walking by suggests to simply deflate the tires. Problem solved.
     Please allow me to cut to the chase. I am that little kid. I’m here to help. Are you ready for my suggestion? Okay, here it is: Hire me to replace Charlie Sheen! Don’t laugh. This show can still be saved.
     Fact is, the sitcom is better off with out him. Frankly, I’ve never found him funny anyway. I’d just as soon slit my fucking wrists then watch that "comedy" in which he played a professional pitcher. The only good thing about that movie was that it was shot in Milwaukee County Stadium, a place I visited often for Brewers games while growing up.
     To be honest, I’ve never even watched an episode of Two and a Half Men. I had no idea it was such a huge hit until recently. But don’t let that deter you from hiring me.
     Allow me to provide a brief synopses of my acting credentials. In sixth grade, I was in my home town’s community theater production of A Christmas Carol. I played Tiny Tim’s brother. A half year later, I was in the musical Carousel. That play really propelled my career to new levels. I was then offered a small service announcement film with the Wisconsin Department of Fish and Game. I played a young hunter who, along with his friend, carried home three dead squirrels. The squirrels were actually frozen, not that it matters. The short film was shot with my big competition in the community theater, a kid who was one year behind me in my school. He was the "bad example" who wanted to throw the squirrels in the garbage rather then clean them for food. I was paid twenty dollars for three hours of work. After that film, I tried out for On Golden Pond and lost the role to my aforementioned competitor.
     So, there you have it. That was my acting career. Which brings me to the most important reason you should consider me for the role on your sitcom: Money. Unlike Charlie Sheen, I am not a greedy egomaniac. I will work for far less money. That tool wanted three million dollars per episode but was upset he was signed for 1.8 million. (Who does he think he is? It’s not like he was in Apocalypse Now or Repo Man.) I will settle for a paltry 500 grand per episode. Not a penny less, though. That’s a win-win situation for everyone. Think about it. Once America gets wind of this, I’ll be the underdog everyone is watching. It will make for a great story! The press will eat it up.
     I know what the studio is thinking. The show is loosely based on Charlie Sheen. Therefore, how the hell can some obsequious sous chef living in Seattle fill the shoes of the infamously famous partier and womanizer born Carlos Irwin Estevez? Trust me, I’ve done my share of partying. Hell, I went to the University of Wisconsin, an institution that routinely ranks in the top ten of party schools almost any given year. Practically the entire populace of Wisconsin are professional drinkers. That said, I could easily keep up with Charlie’s drinking, no problemos.
    Now the illegal drugs is another issue altogether. Unlike Mr. Sheen, I have not single handedly helped keep the various cartels in business via my cocaine consumption. I concede. He’s the winner.
     And while it’s also true I have never been a huge womanizer, there is always room for improvement. No, I’m not willing to spend fifty-two thousand dollars on hookers in one year. Well, maybe I’d consider spending upwards of twenty-five grand. But that’s not the point. It’s just not my style. Nonetheless, I am willing—with the studio’s blessing and aid as an invaluable intermediary, of course—to bang Denise Richards 24/7 for a few weeks before we begin shooting. Most men fantasize about being with a Bond woman, so I’d kill two birds with one stone while gaining some crucial womanizing experience. If Denise is not up for copious amounts of unbridled fornication, I’ll settle for some fun with Charlie’s recently tossed-to-the-curb "Goddesses." While I’m generally not into shallow slutty blonds, I’d take one for the team if it benefits the show.
     So there you have it. That’s my pitch. Oh, I do want to mention one more stipulation. I am not a morning person. Never have been and never will be. Hence, if we could hold off shooting everyday ‘till around say, 1:00 PM, I promise you I’d be much more on my game. I’m sure old Charlie demanded far worse.
     If all parties are willing to get together ASAP to negotiate, I’m confident we can ink a deal in no time. All of this ugly mess with Sheen will be water under the bridge soon enough. You’ll never have to deal with that jerk-off ever again once we get this truck back on the road. I Guarantee the studio will have the last laugh. We’ll render Charlie Sheen a useless has-been, all thanks to some moron in Seattle who fortuitously came along just in time to save Two and a Half Men.
     Please contact me via Chunklet. Thank you for your time.

Mark Stelmach