Chunklet

We're coming up with a list called "Dear Rock Star" for the next issue which is a list in question form asking an artist/band why they did one stupid thing or another.

Here's a few examples:

"Dear REM, Why did it take you 14 years to figure out that people wanted you to shut up and rock?"

"Dear Bob Mould, why do you insist on DJing without a shirt on? You have ex-fat guy skinny guy belly."

"Dear Juno Soundtrack, why did you make the world a place where I can't escape the childish out-of-tune ramblings of the Moldy Peaches?"

"Dear Ladyhawk, why are you guys so afraid of taking showers?"

"Dear MOJO editors, why do you insist on the miniscule revolving door of having the Clash, Oasis, Pink Floyd, The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan and The Smiths on your magazine covers?"

I think that's more than enough to go from. Put all suggestiosn and/or entries in comments.

Dear Henry Owings:

Nick Blakey is a free spirit, and everyone loves him but that doesn't mean he has to write the whole goddamn 'zine ffs.

Posted by lazar @ 04/10/2008 02:05 AM

Dear Billy Corgan:

I think you put my fries on that other dude's tray.

Posted by lazar @ 04/08/2008 10:22 PM

Iron Cross is passe nerd.

Posted by fackson c jank @ 04/07/2008 09:43 PM

Dear bashti vunyon:
..huh? what? speak up!
I couldn't hear you, my Iron Cross "Crucified" single was turned up way too loud!

Posted by billy (trouble maker) @ 04/07/2008 02:05 PM

Dear Vice, Chunklet, Pitchfork..etc etc.

Can you please stop sucking the cock of hardcore music these days? Just because a band has put out a million 7's or they're from Brooklyn or they know about 80's....shit songs are shit songs.

Posted by bashti vunyon @ 04/07/2008 01:00 PM

Dear Russian Circles: Please takes showers and wash your god-damn clothes. I have seen homeless bums look better than you.

Dear Godflesh: Thank you for stopping.

Dear Seth Putnam: Next time you go into an alcohol and drug-related coma, please stay there. Your joke of a band isn't amusing anymore (and hasn't been in fifteen years).

Posted by far from fields @ 04/03/2008 10:51 PM

Attention any and all Rock Stars major, indie or otherwise...

I appreciate all the submissions.

However, just because Jesus turned water into wine doesn't mean I should be expected to keep making chicken salad out of chicken shit.

Therefore, I've returned all of your souls in the SASEs you've included with them. If you've failed to include a SASE with the offering of your soul, I'm afraid it's just gonna have to sit in my slush pile until I haul it off to the landfill.

I'm accepting no more submissions of souls. Hell is just too crowded as it is.

Leave me alone.

Thanks- Satan

Posted by Oliver MayorofRockNRoll @ 04/03/2008 09:11 PM

Dear The Pipettes, since you were able to find people to tolerate you, is it also possible to make a pickle by soaking a horse's dick in ginger ale?

Dear Warren Zevon, do you think you might have actually died of making the Hindu Love Gods record?

Dear The Evaporators, can you please annex Dan Bejar into your band so that I can quit enduring New Pornographers shows?

Dear EPMD, what could the "D" possibly stand for now?

Dear Thurston Moore, if you would be willing to play Bastian in an all-manboy version of "The Neverending Story," maybe we could finally find out what he names the princess.

Posted by Stoat Mixen @ 04/02/2008 05:41 PM

Dear G.S.O.T.P.
-you're mom's vag taste like your brothers dick. So says yer uncle.

Posted by joe dirt @ 04/02/2008 12:15 PM

Dear Ritchie Sambora,
Can you drive my daughters around for a while?

-George Bush

Posted by gerry stumbaugh @ 04/02/2008 12:09 PM

Dear Sam McPheeters: Has the trust fund run dry yet?

Posted by Ajaze @ 04/02/2008 09:47 AM

Most of these are really lame -- don't any of you people know actual dirt about the bands you're trying to insult?

Posted by G.S.O.T.P. @ 04/02/2008 09:45 AM

Dear Band of Horses-

Time to break out the kneepads again guys, there's another A&R meet and greet this weekend.

- Your Management

Posted by Oliver MayorofRockNRoll @ 04/01/2008 09:19 PM

Dear U2,

Really, TWELVE more years? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Posted by Hack McWriter @ 04/01/2008 09:18 PM

Dear Hold Steady-

Man, imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery.

Yours Truly- John Cafferty

Dear Decemberists-

Normally I'm a sucker for sensitive caucasia, but you guys are too pasty, dull and ponderous even for me.

Will you and Win Butler please stop stalking me?

Thanks, I guess, but whatever...Winona Ryder

Posted by Oliver Mayor of Rock N Roll @ 04/01/2008 09:16 PM

Dear Fat Mike: Oh, I get it, that song title/album title/tour title...was a pun!
Man, that shit never gets old. Unlike your scrote.

Posted by billy @ 04/01/2008 07:41 PM

Dear Chan Marshall, I've lost patience with all this "got my shit together this time, really" fuckwittery. I'm going to give you a safeword for your career, to help you get perspective. You'll know what it means when you're ready to know. It's "Stevie Nicks".

Posted by Iain H @ 04/01/2008 06:33 PM

Dear Sigur Ros, I'm sure most of you are due me your lunch money for the last 20 years. Don't make me come find you.

Dear Battles, that was the quickest 15 minutes I've ever seen. Settle down hipsters, it's time for you guys to write some tunes.

Posted by Iain H @ 04/01/2008 05:59 PM

Chris - read "oldest to newest" - this would prevent joke-ous repeatous. Just a lil' FYI - you participation is appreciated.

Posted by billy @ 04/01/2008 03:37 PM

Dear Radiohead and Coldplay,
What does Satan's cock taste like? I mean, you musta suck them shits dry to become as popular as you are... I bet his gizz tastes like rose water Tea's Tea.

Posted by Chris @ 04/01/2008 03:26 PM

Dear Thom Yorke,
What does the sun look like?

Dear Shane MacGowan,
Do you ever have those dreams where it feels like you're spitting out teeth?

Posted by Joe Ehrbar @ 04/01/2008 12:29 PM

Dear Bradford Cox --

Enjoyed your brave, unvarnished evocation of the pain and exhilaration of youth and early adolescence. Are you available to babysit in Grant Park this Thursday?

Yours Truly,
Aging Hipster Couple

*

Dear Will-I-Am:

One video was just fine.

Respectfully,
Barack Obama

*

Dear Paul Weller:

We regret to inform you that you may have silly hair.

No offense,
People in America

*

Dear Vampire Weekend:

Everyone thinks that our shared fondness for those loafers with the little gold buckles is some kind of Situationist prank. But aren't they totally comfy?

Your Pal,
Greil Marcus

*

Dear Britney:

Quit swagger-jackin' my style, bitch.

Sincerely,
Daniel Johnston

Posted by Wretched False Set @ 04/01/2008 01:57 AM

Dear Vampire Weekend: Just what does Satan's cock taste like? Oh, chicken? Of course.

And Peter Zaremba called, he wants his haircut back, tootsweet.

Posted by billy @ 04/01/2008 01:36 AM

Dear Craig Finn: I'm sorry you got a B- for your stories in Creative Writing 101, but reading them in front of a Bruce Springteen cover band doesn't make them any better.

Posted by ash966 @ 03/31/2008 11:01 PM

Dear Stephen Malkmus and Lou Barlow: Why do you play live when you obviously don't enjoy it? It makes Jesus cry.

Posted by ash966 @ 03/31/2008 10:06 PM

Dear Iggy Pop,Ron and Scott Asheton,
There is some awful sixth-rate garage punk band going around using your name.
They even released a terrible album called 'The Weirdness'last year. I thought you should be made aware of this.

Posted by Benny @ 03/31/2008 05:34 PM

dear page hamilton - did winona ever take you shoplifting?

Posted by leg_wrmr @ 03/31/2008 04:16 PM

Dear Ryan Adams: Congratulations on your love for dogs -- does this mean ex-girlfriends are the only bitches who've received black eyes from you?

Dear Dean Spunt from No Age: How much did you get when the Backstreet Boy ran you over with his car?

Posted by Aaron @ 03/31/2008 03:06 PM

dear trail of dead,
why keep smashing up your stuff when the really shocking thing for us to see you do one really great show?

dear trent reznor,
why did it take you this long to realize that your albums will be a million times better if you don't sing on them.

dear greg dulli,
if we can accept your john belushi impression can you try accepting that we really just want afghan whigs back?

Posted by erin @ 03/31/2008 11:50 AM

Dear Jack White, when is your sex tape coming out?

Posted by Steve @ 03/31/2008 03:51 AM

Dear Zeppelin, TOUR ALREADY!!!!

Posted by Cody @ 03/30/2008 09:33 PM

Dear Boston, Seriously? I mean seriously, Delp is dead. Give Up.

Posted by Larry @ 03/30/2008 09:32 PM

Dear Dragonforce,

Will you please take some sedatives and just calm the fuck down? Not every song has to be over 200 beats per minute. I HAVE GREAT IDEA! While you're at it, slow down your heart beats per minute. It might make people like you more. Please consider taking 200 mg of non-time released Xanex, and wash it down with copious amounts of Bacardi 151. If for some reason you wake up, repeat the procedure.

Posted by Krista @ 03/30/2008 07:45 PM

@ bennett

yes everysong does need a tamborine/conga/trumpet arrangement!

Dear Rocket From the Crypt, stop taking care of your kids and get back together. The world needs some real rock'n'roll music. Just look at what your breakup has done to the readership of chunklet!

Posted by Pat @ 03/30/2008 02:48 PM

excuse that last typo: "put out" not "out out"

Posted by Bennett @ 03/30/2008 12:41 PM

I kinda liked that GVSB record. Sure, not their best, but better than whatever Samiam out out that year.

Posted by Bennett @ 03/30/2008 12:40 PM

Look Regg, I know it must be hard being you. Having no outlet of your own creation, making due on the deeds of others for some kind of pathetic identity. But even all that sheer sadness wouldn't matter - if you were f-u-n-n-y. But you're not. I got the thickness skin around, I can take a punch right in the grill...if it's funny. Ya' see that's the point. You just don't cut it, you don't have the chops or the brains. All you have is your massive pussy-anonymity. But if you grow the stones I'd be happy to supply you with a real zinger, in person, and it won't cost you nearly $8. Although I can't say what your ER deductible may be, so best you keep that in mind, M'kay?

Posted by billy @ 03/30/2008 02:17 AM

Dear Chunklet,

Stop deleting my posts you big babies. I will say that I had no intention of buying the next issue, but if it will include gems like zinging decade-old Girls Against Boys records, then you've got my $8!!

Posted by Reggie @ 03/30/2008 12:56 AM

Dear Pitchforkmedia.com,

Please let me know what to "rock out to" in the near future so I can be cool for the up-coming work week. Oh, and thanks for those exciting and insightful record reviews that make you sound so darn smart.

Posted by Asgoth A.D. @ 03/30/2008 12:06 AM

Dear Rocket From the Crypt: does every song really need a tamborine/conga/trumpet arrangement?

Posted by Bennett @ 03/29/2008 11:58 PM

Dear Rikki Rockett, hope you're enjoying all the dirty talk from your 20-stone gangbanger cellmate.

Posted by Iain H @ 03/29/2008 04:22 PM

What's wrong with watching elderly women fuck? Right Teasley?

Posted by billy @ 03/29/2008 03:51 PM

Dear Robert Pollard: I love you, but why the English accent? Have some Midwestern pride, for chrissakes! Your "A's" should be as flat as the Ohio Valley and your "R's" should be hit as hard as a punch in the face from William Howard Taft.

Posted by ash966 @ 03/29/2008 03:27 PM

Dear Mick Jagger, please pass away. It's OVER. Watching you prance onstage is like watching elderly women fuck. The Stones haven't rocked since MAYBE 1982.

Posted by Erik @ 03/29/2008 11:29 AM

Dear Ian Mackaye, would you please start charging more than $5 a show? It's been over 2 decades already, there's been a lot of inflation, please, I like the music, I want to give you money, take it.

Posted by DS @ 03/29/2008 09:21 AM

Dear Alan Sparhawk, anything we can do to help?

Dear Death Cab for Cutie, it's way way beyond time you took the training wheels off your career. We'll be so proud, really. Just a wee bit more effort and people might even remember that there's more than one guy in the band.

Posted by Iain H @ 03/29/2008 09:16 AM

Dear James Hetfield, please wake up and look around you. Those are hangers on. All of them. Especially that Lars guy. He's a douche.

Dear Def Leppard, for fuck's sake please stop. Please. Have you listened to your last record? Your drummer's arm had the right idea jumping ship years ago.

Posted by Iain H @ 03/29/2008 09:04 AM

Dear Kurt Cobain, why do people forget how petulant and ordinary you were just before you rode the shotgun highway?

Dear Sonic Youth, please pass the torch on already.

Dear Jim O'Rourke, so how's the smart guy thing working out for you?

Dear Steve Albini, you're totally right dude, we're all totally wrong. Except about everything.

Dear David Cross, we know we know, you can't be 'on' all the time. But it's starting to become a real chore liking you dude.

Posted by Iain H @ 03/29/2008 08:55 AM

Dear Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you realize that overweight soccer moms and aging lame yuppies trapped in 1993 are your fanbase now?

Dear Dan Deacon, have you considered doing burlesque?

Dear Alternative Press, is your existence an ironic joke on the rest of society, by championing otherwise REALLY SHITTY bands?

Dear Garth Brooks, bring Chris Gaines back and do a ska album. I need laughter back in my life, NOW.

Posted by Michael Higginbotham @ 03/29/2008 08:14 AM

Dear Heavy Vegetable, can I return your CD to my college radio station?

Dear Brujeria, my brother already has that picture on his MySpace page.

Dear Steven Malkmus, I know you're a sarcastic guy...when your music was listenable, were you just kidding?

Dear HR, can I have my spare change back? I didn't realize who you were.

Dear Professor Griff, what about Jackie Mason?

Dear Paul McCartney, it is not enough to merely resemble a lich necromancer--you will also need the appropriate number of experience points.

Posted by Stoat Mixen @ 03/29/2008 04:15 AM

Dear Robert Pollard: Hit STOP on the recorder and shut the fuck up for a goddamn minute.
This is also applicable to my buddy Ryan Adams

Posted by billy @ 03/29/2008 02:51 AM

I'm with Barbara Walters on this one "The Moldy Peaches?" I don't get it.

Posted by goofygrapeape @ 03/29/2008 01:40 AM