Chunklet would like to thank...
Mexicans of Lorna Road and the new American slavery, Ann Coulter’s small, yet obviously visible, penis, my special little dream of giving every child Herpes and a Slush Puppy, the Museum of Burnt Fur, the Branford Marsalis Quartet for letting me jam with them at the Alys Stephens Center, the janitorial staff at Dean and Co., all my dawgs up in the A to the R to the Bee’s who got them mad grill skillz, my manservant, Tico Torres (not the Bon Jovi guy), Suicide Bomb Pop popsicles, the way vintage Sun britches make my cock look huge, the Bobby T. show and everyone at Se96or Frog, Virginia Woolf and The Cooter of the Gods: A Murder Mystery, the Red Lobster on Hwy 31, the Strutting Duck crew circa ‘92, 202 E. Sanford (mothafucka!), O, Holy Shit! (Community Fecal Fetish Christmas Theater), aristocratic British butterfly hunters, the Karl Rove/Korla Pandit Blues Duo, what you call “pink lemonade”, Graceland Too, my ability to have an orgasm while puking, 99 cent family order of hushpuppies at Taco Bell/Long John Silver’s on Crestwood Boulevard, the Toilet SwifferTM, recent dialogues on anti-Semitism in heated Wiffle Ball games between Protestant and Jewish teams, Japanese rappers who use the “N” word in a country where the word strikes no chord of offense, Janet Jackson’s wardrobe “malfunction”, everyone who has sung along with Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”, did I mention South Worcestershire haggis? Let’s see, colors synonymous with flavors, the Little Ambassador, banana puddin’-flavored IV packets, Mee-Maw for poppin’ all the bumps on my back, the brunch detectives, my personal trainer Habu who screams, “Do one more for baby Jesus!”, Utah — the town, not the state, the female staff at Wax N Facts (you make me feel like my ugly, bitchy, perennially PMS’d girlfriend ain’t all that bad), bugs who are trapped in amber, my fleeting virginity, Burt & Kurt from 101.1FM The Source, Mexi-Cali vs. Tex-Mex Stratego Championship ‘01, Kobe Bryant’s sperm (specifically sperm #2, #438 and #389), Plexiglass (y’all’s shit is almost bulletproof, ya’ll), my milkman Andr8E (how do you keep it so cold, dawg?), Mooney Suzuki brand Spray-On Bald Spot Camouflager, the 1979 Iranian hostage crisis (damn, the USA Olympic Hockey team beat Russia that year. In your face, commie bastards!), the idiosyncratic world of Klondike bars, staged debates, Par Par’s Party of Four, Kikkoman naturally-brewed soy sauce, that Christian fish logo thing people put on their SUV’s, sexy children who know they’re sexy, homeless street people who know web design, your worst sexual performance, Long’s Electronics’ return policy, Midgie, the super chocolate brownie dwarf boy, Georgia Championship Wrestling, Blue Demon Y Las Invasadoras de Ass-Venom, Spike from G.N.P., W.A. Berry High School’s 1988 undefeated Junior Varsity Baseball Team, rollerblade line dancing, all-you-can-shovel horse manure, the Econochrist ‘91 tour, the off-Broadway sex battles: The Vagina Monologues vs. Puppetry of the Penis, Optimus Prime, those bros who let me crash in their van outside of Rotterdam, custom amputation, the Sherman Oaks Chamber of Commerce, family of D. Boon’s Minutemen laundry service, shitty, underpowered PA’s at VFW halls, glory hole #6 at Famous Al’s in Tuscumbia, Alabama, plants that you can hang, every double-digit prime number (except 17; you let me down at the roulette table, so you’re dead to me!), old black bluesmen who don’t have nicknames like Shoutin’ Jeremiah, Asians, Mello T, the real life Chico and the Man, Peter W. Van Hoy, MD of Giving Love A Bad Name, hand robots, S&H Green Stamps, turnstile clickers, Shoney’s All-You-Can-Eat breakfast bar refill servers, Jim Burke Used Cars, the Cliffs Notes version of any book by a Bronte sister, Scrub-claw penis pump cleaning brush, Dick Cheney’s daughter (the gay one who brought on Lesbogate), Fermented Freddy and Da Drunk Playtime crew, Spicy Mike’s Gopher Candies, Southminster Saints, Buzz, my lucky scarf, red dye #6, the new Chinatown, Bob’s cat Skeletor, the starting outfield line-up of the 1979 Houston Astros (still “doin’ it in the dome,” C8Esar Cede96o?), the Durian fruit of Southeast Asia, virtualinsults.com, the new (and even zestier) taco-flavored Doritos, underwater polo, Coach Wayne Short, battered, breaded, and flame-broiled crustacean dippin’ sticks, every bad, fake new wave British 80’s band except Heaven 17 (remember, 17? You’re dead to me!), Expressway South, Russian Bogies, all the cake-eatin’ mothafuckas at the Clairmont Road Piggly Wiggly, moviefone.org (that’s right!), the American Sanitary Plumbing Museum, chuckdcookies.com, Nicolas Cage’s bald spot, The Pasta Pot, Today-Tomorrow-Always perfume by Avon, Dave Johnson and Dale Dave Johnson, everybody else on George W. Bush’s college cheerleading team, classic Raid commercials with the cartoon spray can, Hardee’s 100% Angus Beef Western Bacon Thickburger, uninsured Americans (you pathetic pussies), The Better Sex series, the much-improved Fox News graphics department (how can you make my dick hard and fuel my hatred of towelheads?), the monobrow, The Ultimate Beginner Series: Rock Keyboards Step Two with David Garfield, Gospelman, Sinclair Broadcasting and other crazy-ass right-wing Nazi media, Everlast boxing gloves (you’re still #1, baby!), David Ortiz Snack Ems, the word “stoop”, the Loose Douche Lesbian Bar in Rayville, Louisiana, the harmony vocals on Bruce Hornsby’s “That’s Just The Way It Is”, Mach 3 replacement blades, “The Great Michelob Taste”, Estrin-D, God’s medicine (otherwise known as “Angels”), the Real March of Dimes, the 2004 presidential candidate for the Concerns of People (Prohibition) Party, Gene Amondson, Rocktoberfests everywhere, the 1984 Libertarian presidential candidate, Dave Bergland, the moustache of Koose Muniswamy Veerappan, Star Wars-themed gangsta rap, The Evil Eye, Mister Ed’s Elephant Museum, my long-standing high school crush Jennifer Fuller, anyone whose last name is Culpepper, Chocolate-cherry-vanilla Dr. Pepper, the New Urine Nation, the unlikeliness of having a plane crash, the Rom Space Knight Marvel comic book series, Swedish Dutch meatballs, peeps from the ‘hood, Bondage Boys Discount Gear, mystic visions of wolves that appear before you in three-dimensions, Da Vinci Code Scrabble, that Butthole Surfers side-project the Jack Officers, Moxie: The Musical, John Edwards and other phony psychics, Simon Bar Sinister, a future cure for ovarian cancer, Blue Parrot’s Bike Day, Naked Rodeo - the band, Shrek II: The Hot Dog, bridges made of rainbows, life coaches, Gary Tatterson Pets Specialty Personal Check design, all the temps that work the night shift at the Emory Kinko’s, vaginal lipstick, Milton Bradley’s Simon, the Flat Earth Liberation Front, the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie, Underwear Boy, 24-Hour Church of Elvis, the Museum of Menstruation, sympathetic Martha Stewart banners, bloody juice from raw chickens, Bryan Ferry’s smugness, Tijuana bibles, Cadillac wheels, Greg Ginn’s solo work (on my yard), Navy grog, inglorious bastards, Starfleet Command, the Dracula myth, Dr. Haggard’s Disease, my personal friend Rick Moody, victims of molestation by Mr. Wizard, Sgt. Fury and his howling commandos, Don Winslow from Old Navy, any sport the playing of which can kill you, Dr. Fate, Red Sonja, Parker Brothers French Card Game Craze, Mille Bornes, Golferino, burp guns, Kame Bazooka, the Mini Cake Museum, Kure Kure Takora, The Mack, Garter Belts for Men, Beck’s ex-girlfriend Leigh Limon, the Ford Ranchero, the Lift & Load Depot, Celtic Frost’s To Mega Therion, people with sweaty feet, Mutt Lang for finally bringing the “Shania” sound to indie labels, the South of the Border stop in South Carolina (when can I move in? Hope y’all still got room!), Sad, pathetic minor hipsters who think the Robert Tilton fart tape is funny, Guy Laroche (no, really, you keep it; it’s your disease), the guitar player in VHS or Beta who got beat up by the door guy from that band King Horse at the U.S. Maple show August 8, 1998 at the Mercury Paw in Louisville (hope that shit healed, bro), Nutmeg Kemur-Jim, the polio scare of the 1920’s, two-newspaper towns, the Leonard Nimoy Should Eat More Salsa Foundation, Giant Gold Buddhas, Herbal Essence, normal penises, my baby Beth, King Vitamin, the original two-member version of The Who, enclosed phone booths, yellow cornmeal, the spare eyeball of Sammy Davis Jr. that I won on eBay, the golfing skills of Alice Cooper, my souvenir toilet paper from Jandek’s house, Attack Beaver, Roberto Wilson, my fast-twitch muscle trainer, Milan Kundera (you still got it; keep writing if you’re alive), whoever came up with the clich8E “Separate the sheep from the goats”, Sex on the Beach, both the drink and party band, Blue Cheer’s Vincebus Eruptum, jock itch remedies, Necrosadist and Necrophagist of East Atlanta, crosswinds.net, puppies in the tub (ain’t whachoo thank, girl!), that dude from Dramarama who works on a backhoe, women who want waist-length hair, Otto Van Bismarck, porn magazines that overuse footnotes, Mr. Entertainment and a few other Caucasians from Hollywood, Florida, snowmen who aren’t frosty, the infamous Audrey Tautou internet porn film (yeeowch!), the Puka, Levi’s for feet, Crumb Munchkin - the band (not the soup), the pre-Raphaelite brotherhood, Pet Heaven, the Mannerists, Yves Klein (for giving us Yves Klein Bleu), Kara Walker (for keeping it real), whoever designs those godawful Smog Veil ads, the menopause taboo, the smell of burning brisket, Joseph M. Farley Nuclear Plant units 1 & 2, Dothan, Alabama, Cardamom, Keebler waffle cones that make tasty snack ideas, people who can fake playing the Theremin, Andrew Quinn’s giant 4-foot inflatable giraffe toss set, Ice-T for producing David Hasselhoff, baby coffins, Cannibal Holocaust, my peeps in Kurdistan, hairiness in women, Lester Holt and everyone at MSNBC (actually, daytime only — Chris Matthews can go suck some Hardballs), Michael O’Bannon (still owe you money for the Gastr’ Del Sol The Serpentine Similar artwork), the recently reunited Shampoopoo, Tab (the cola and the hamster), anything that isn’t a “Jesus is my homeboy” shirt, Joan of Arc-shaped S’mores, all you Sagittariuses (‘cause I know I can fuck you), the Servant Girl Annihilator Tour in Austin, Texas, my retarded atheist friends who don’t believe in God but still believe in ghosts, the Allah bobblehead doll, subconscious racism, “party” as an adverb, people who actually think “Weird News” columns are funny, belly button discharge, Gay Divorce Court, the bass player from Mercy Me who I did that drunk sorority girl with, Yoshitomo Nara (but get your own style, faggot), men who refuse to ever hit a woman (unless she’s a rockabilly chick, of course!), any kind of flame that isn’t real, people who have the Gun Club on their iPod (now, that’s cool!), some people that use heroin, all my bitches that work the food court at Lenox Mall, the stroke of Ram Dass, the Grill Skills instruction video, N.P.R.: The Beer, The Total Nerd: A Comprehensive Handbook, inspired by Revenge of the Nerds authors: Joan Wilen and Lydia Wilen, my wife, my family, my friends, and most importantly, God... and while I’m thanking God, I’d like to give a shout-out to the Holy Spirit, Jacob, Gideon, Abel, Seven Angels with seven plagues, promise names in Colosse, pain with a purpose Zophar, the rest of the Levites, the Widow’s Oil, Abner, Joab’s murder of Abner, Hebron, 2nd Thessalonians (you go, girl!), the stoning of Stephen, Philip and the Ethiopian, tax collectors everywhere, Ezekiel, Hosea and his adulterous wife — naughty ‘ho!, Paul and Silas in prison (bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do...), Gideon and the Fleece, Peter’s denial of Christ, all them plagues of Egypt, dudes with leprosy, paralyzed fucks, fig trees, sermonizing on the motherfuckin’ mount, Herod (keep up the... bad work!), Sarah’s infertility and worry-free sex, that crazy-ass Tower of Babel, Amorites in the ‘hood, them spelling Rebecca “Rebekah,” all that early fuckin’ and begettin’ (yo my boys!), sons of Leah: Reuben, Jacob, Simeon, Levi, Issacher and Zebulon (kick it, homies!), the revolt of Moab, 2nd Chronicles 4:18, Titus the troubleshooter, the Sabbath – rest, you overachieving assholes!, the taming of the tongue, the great multitude in white robes, the Lamb and the 144,000 (fuck the rest of y’all), Shamgar, the song of Deborah, Rehoboam’s family, the condemnation of Idolaters, leprosy (if I haven’t thanked it enough already!), the son of Helig, the son of Matthat, the son of Levi, the son of Melki, the son of Jannai, the son of Joseph, the son of Matthias, the son of Amos, the son of Nahum, the son of Esli, the son of Naggai, the son of Maath, the son of Semein, the son of Josech, the son of Joda, the son of Joanan, the son of Rhesu, the son of Zerubbabel, the son of Sheaitiel, the son of Neri, the son of Melki, the son of Addi, the son of Cosam, the son of Addi, the son of Elmadam, the son of Er, the son of Joshua, the son of Eliezer, the son of Jorim, the son of Matthat, the son of Levi, the son of Simeon, the son of Judah, the other son of Judah, the son of Joseph, the son of Jonam, the son of Eliakim, the son of Melea, the son of Mattaha, the son of Nathan, the son of David, the son of Jesse, the son of Obea, the son of Boaz, the son of Solomon, the son of Nashon, the son of Amminadab, the son of Ram, the son of Hezron, the son of Perez, the son of Judah, the son of Jacob, the son of Isaac, the son of Nahor, the son of Serus, the son of Rev, the son of Peley, the son of Ebor, the son of Shelah, the son of Cainan, the son of Arphaxad, the son of Shen, the son of Noah, the son of Lamech, the son of Methuselah, the son of Enoch, the son of Jured, the son of Mahalalel, the son of Kenan, the son of Enosh, the son of Seth, the son of Adam, the son of God... oh, yeah, Caleb, the blood of Christ, Zachariah, Balaam, Hoshea (the last king of Israel), Hebrew servants (clean it up, bitch!), the defeat of the Amalekites, the Valley of Dry Bones, Jesus washing his disciples’ feet (yo, Peter, get ya’ some tough-actin’ Tinactin, bro), the riot in Ephesus (y’all know how to fuck shit up), all of them archangels that be guarding over Israel, Habakkuk, the Battle of Jericho, Daniel getting his ass out of the Lion’s Den, the stoning of Stephen (smoke up, Bible dude), deaf mutes, ten virgins, the mustard seed parable and whatever the hell it’s about, the jeering of Elisha, the Golden Calves at Bethel and Dan (bling bling Old Testament style), predestination, Eli’s wicked sons, the death of Lazarus, Jeremiah 5:2, the Oracle against Damascus, the beheading of John the Baptist (Nick Berg, eat my dust... I mean since your head’s already on the ground and everything), Paul’s farewell to the Ephesian Elders, kicking the piss out of the Oxgods, that Festus asswipe, all nuggets of theology, all them broken-ass seals and scrolls, Old Testament God being wise, yet ruthless, Absalom’s dirty little conspiracy, the Israelites throwin’ down with the Benjamites, Achan’s sin, the Covenant renewed at Mount Ebal, God’s rejection of Zedekiah’s request, the silly faith of the Centurion, Stephen’s meaningful, but longwinded, speech to the Sanhedrin, new wine in old wineskins (bring on the wake-up juice), sheep and goats (especially the sexy ones), feeding of the 4,000 good-for-nothing fucks, man at the pool of Bethesda, Creationism, Jesus going ape-shit in the temple and all them unemployed demons everywhere, and of course my main man Zacchaeus.