A comedian. 15 questions. 15 answers. discuss.
A very, very funny guy.

In comedy hell, what does the devil do all day?
It depends if he’s subtle or not. Is he going to do horrible things (like regular always-on-fire hell) or torture you slowly (like give you a blowjob, but then stop all of a sudden and tell you you’re significantly overweight)? Assuming much of the same horrifying punishments happen in comedy hell, I think the extra touch would be the devil doing terrible devil standup. And by “terrible” I mean he would be competent. He would have an impeccably-crafted, pointless, boring act that was based on his family or didn’t even make sense and punctuated by some kind of aggravating affectation (like putting his hand over his mouth and mumbling his punch line). But he would kill. People would love him. And as you were being burned and beaten, you would have to watch people really get into his act. Or comedy hell could also be a nice place, where people never did stupid things — and there was nothing to be noticed.

What is something you’d like to know that you haven’t figured out yet?
How a light bulb works. I get that it has to do with a filament and resistance, but what, exactly? I couldn’t build one at all. Also, I’d like to really figure out comedy. Comedy is the way I see things. Telling a joke is explaining yourself. I often laugh at weird times — either at something sad, odd or discordant in a situation, and I’d like to figure out how to take those moments and explain them to people better. I was recently on tour, and driving around and we’d pass random stuff that I thought was ridiculous: ads or signs or random things, gas stations that had impulse items that were books of poems on friendship. I saw a billboard for a phone company with people from every ethnicity, except Asian. For any of these things to happen, countless people had to get together, working for weeks or months, and go “This will make us rich!”And I’d like to figure out how to talk about those moments clearer. When I figure out how to explain what makes the Tony Danza Show so amazing and awful, I may have solved some of the problem.

What is your first conscious mental reaction to speaking into a microphone?
It was at Catch A Rising Star in Cambridge. I was incredibly nervous. I shook. I stood shaking and talking quickly. It was very exciting and horrifying. People laughed, but not because I did anything well, but it gave me an idea of how fun it would be to do comedy.

How close is what we fear to what we laugh at?
For me, very. For some, I don’t know. I laugh at weird times — at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment — as it is noticing the oddity of something. For others, I don’t know. They seem to laugh at According To Jim. That may be something I fear, but don’t laugh at.

What sort of vaudevillian performer would you have been, given that you had grown up in that era with fairly the same personality traits you have now?
What are the options? I would have been the guy with the cone-shaped megaphone. A comedian of some kind. Vaudeville had comics. I don’t think I would have worn a swimsuit and pretended to be demonstrating some sort of athletic prowess — just so that people could see the outline of my breasts. (That’s right vaudeville, you didn’t fool anybody, just like the freak show was not about science.)

Why do you suppose people are so ready to be cruel to comedians when grouped in a room together?
I’m not sure that people are ready to be cruel. Some people yell at comics, but those people don’t understand what’s going on. Most hecklers think they’re helping — or they think they are supposed to yell at you. I guess if someone is bombing, people will start yelling sometimes, but more often, they feel bad. There’s a pressure to laugh. It’s the only art form that puts pressure on the audience to have a certain reaction. It’s why people are hesitant about comedy.

At the moment, what would you like written on your tombstone?
He was very, very funny.

Have you ever found it to be true that women prefer a funny man to a wealthy one?
No. Women love cash and nothing else. Just kidding, ladies. Want to hang out?

Out of all your work, what are you the most pleased with?
A handful of jokes or moments in videos. There’s one joke that either makes people really uncomfortable or kills. It’s on the album. It’s in a letter I wrote to Fleet Bank (who deceived me about some debt). I make up awful things they would do and in one of them I claim they would release Saddam Hussein and give him Weapons of Mass Destruction, and then I say, “And you claim to hate Muslims?” I think it’s funny to give someone a point of view that’s offensive and claim that they aren’t living up to it. And there are various other moments in some of my videos. In the Art film, when I say, “I don’t own a television, it makes me better than you.” And “smoking pot off a hookers tits” is funny. I guess these are sort of weird, specific answers. But that’s how I think of stuff. There are various moments and ideas that I think are examples of what I’m going for and what I want to become, so those are the things I enjoy the most.

What sort of elderly man do you plan on being?
Joyful, dirty. I think I already say a lot of the things that make old people fun. I’ll do a lot of “when I was a kid” stuff, teach a new generation how to make fun of dating and the government.

Let’s say you’re performing for a room full of the most notorious villains throughout history and literature (Hitler, Moriarty, Liberace, etc.) How would you make them laugh?
First of all, everybody can relate to a hectic day. Even evil people lose the keys to their evil cars. Then I would do the old “who thinks he’s more evil” gag. But it would be a trick. They don’t think of themselves as evil. Many evil people feel they are following a just, moral ideology. Just look at our country (Oh shit! Snap!). I would do some “I know much of the world doesn’t understand your brilliance” crowd work and then talk about girls. Very evil girls. Then I’d close with a story about a monkey who had waaaaay too much weed and tried to fuck a lighthouse (How did it even get there?!).

What’s in your pockets right now? (including secret pockets)
A bunch of receipts and some cash and a note from a girl. Secret pockets? The new Hidden Cameras CD and beef vindiloo.

How close have you gotten to what you thought you’d be doing now?
I don’t know. I’m pretty excited about what I’ve done and what I’m doing. But also the more I do it, the more I understand how much more there is to do. (That sounds like how a superhero would respond to a newswoman asking him about saving a train full of refugees, sorry). The people who I think are really good, the people who get on stage and have a power and a presence that is unbelievable, have done this for 15, 20 years. I think after 10 years you figure a lot of stuff out, but after another 5 or 10 — that’s when you begin to really have the confidence and understanding of standup to be incredible. There are obviously lots of exceptions, but most of the people who are truly great stand-ups have done it for a while.

Besides Eugene Mirman, what’s the best thing to come out of Russia?
I’ll tell you what it’s not: communism. That’s a bullshit system of government. I don’t know. Probably caviar, smoked fish. Depressing literature? Pushkin? Daniel Kharms. He’s an absurdist author from the ‘20s and ‘30s. Mostly it’s a kind of attitude. I find that there are three kinds of Russian people. Some who will be like, “The world is cold, wet misery.” And others who are more like, “The world is cold, wet misery--who wants to go see a movie?” And there are those who are simply somewhat upbeat, “Let’s have some chicken and wine!” I’m somewhere between the last two. The best exported thing was an optimistic outlook on dreary things. I’m slowly recovering from this election, while my American counterparts are still throwing up in the streets.

What is one thing you are absolutely sure of?
I’m sure of almost nothing. Maybe this reality isn’t real! (Sorry if I blew your mind.) I think there are discrepancies in the logic of various things, but only in relation to their own postulates. I’m by no means some sort of moral relativist, but I think that I wouldn’t categorically say anything is absolute. I think that many things are very close. I hate much of religion -- especially the way it’s being used now in politics--but I wouldn’t say there is categorically no God. The only thing I may be sure of is that some things are funny. Regardless of what is real, there is always going to be a conflict between various ways of looking at things, various flaws in certain ideas and the humor that points those things out is real. Wow! Good luck writing a term paper based on my crappy half-philosophy.

The Absurd Nightclub Comedy Of Eugene Mirman is out now on Suicide Squeeze.
Jason Mallory has a fantastic interview website at http://scenemissing.blogspot.com/