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Best of the Best of 2012: Ben Johnson

Who the fuck does this guy think he is? I’ve been in the business of making fun of music critics for eight years, and I’ve never seen a more lazy, entitled, hypocritical, self-aggrandizing talentless hack of a showboat. This guy writes like he’s got the entire world figured out, but he DOESN’T.
 
When people on websites start saying things like what Ben Johnson says, it makes me sick. It’s almost enough to make me want to write my own opinions down in some kind of a web-based log of my thoughts, but I won’t do that because despite talking nonstop I at least have enough sense to know that I SOUND LIKE A MORON WHEN I TALK. It’s called self-restraint. You should TRY IT SOMETIME, Ben Johnson.
 
This is the kind of shit the internet is stuffing down our throats against our will these days? If I wasn’t an idiot, I’d stop reading right now and do anything else with my life. Ben Johnson better watch his back, because I am going to leave a strongly worded Facebook comment about how wrong he is. About everything. In his life.
 
Here’s his piddlyshit excuse for a top ten of the year list:
 
12. The Doozer
Keep It Together (Woodsist)
Oh cute, his top ten list is twelve things. Go fuck yourself you precocious little dogfucker. I bet you love everything on Woodsist. Even Woods.
 
11. Bits of Shit
Cut Sleeves (Homeless)
All I hear is some shitty punk full of Australian accents with a dumb picture of a dog on it. Way to clock in at 20 minutes, guys. And nice motorcycle jackets. Are you guys in a gang or just in a band? Band? Just a band, huh? Intimidating.
 
10. Metz
Metz (Sub Pop)
How good could this possibly be if it’s on Sub Pop?
 
9. Cheater Slicks
Reality Is A Grape (Columbus Discount)
Nice try, Ben Johnson. I know you just put this on here because it’s super limited and you want to sell it for $60 on eBay. News flash: it’s super limited because it super SUCKS. These guys would be more overrated than Sonic Youth if anybody gave a shit.
 
8. Bare Wires
Idle Dreams (Southpaw)

Oh boo hoo hoo I can’t believe Bare Wires broke up and Matt Melton’s just going to call himself Warm Soda now instead. Get a job and/or a haircut, world.
 
7. Gap Dream
Gap Dream (Burger)
Oh wait, this is actually good. Okay. Well… okay.
 
6. Mmoss
Only Children (Trouble In Mind)
Oh yeah sure, because we could really use another J.K. & Co. Suddenly One Summer. That semiobscure album came out 43 years ago. Get over it.
 
5. Cheap Time
Wallpaper Music (In The Red)
What’s the matter, Ben Johnson? Eddy Current Suppression Ring didn’t come out with an album this year so you had to come up with some bullshit American equivalent?
 
4. The UFO Club
s/t (The Reverberation Appreciation Society)
The album’s highlight is a Seeds cover. Nice pick, idiot.
 
3. Tyvek
On Triple Beams (In The Red)
Oh right, the unthinking man’s Cloud Nothings.
 
2. Goat
World Music (Rocket Recordings)
What is this, a new Slits album featuring the guy from Dungen? Who’s that on bongos? Manu Chao? Aren’t these guys headlining the “our second album is gonna suck” stage at Bonnaroo?
 
1. Ty Segall
Twins (Drag City)
Never heard of him.

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